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Or at least brings strange emotions to the surface. Emotions that sometimes can’t even be put into words…
Like Friday….
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A bit of background…for you..
Natty was born 6 weeks prematurely.
As a result, we have been playing a game of developmental catch-up.
At the pediatrician’s office during his initial evaluation, our outstanding Dr. suggested that we might want him to be seen by some specialists.
Friday, the long-awaited day finally arrived. The two girls were left with a sitter (thank-you, Amy!!!), & I put the one child I was left with, into his car-seat & off we went…
(just as an aside-you know that feeling of missing something??? That’s how my car felt! Without the girls, that van is eerily quiet! Must be a “boy” thing!!)
The physical, occupational & speech therapists all thoroughly examined him while watching him play. Next week, I go back to get the results of that, as well as the hundreds of questions I was asked about him…..
Which brings me to this weird emotion I can’t quite put my finger on…
I couldn’t answer whole pages of information…..
Questions like,
“How was your pregnancy?” Ummmm….I wasn’t pregnant…
“Mother’s health history” Have a little of that.
“Father’s health history” Don’t know….
“Is your child’s paternal grandfather/grandmother still living?” Don’t know….
“Any health issues on mother’s/father’s side?” Yet again, don’t know…
And on & on it went…& I knew almost nothing of it…
Let me see if I can describe these feelings….
A bit lost….like I should know the answers….he’s my SON, after all.
A bit empty…..something seemed missing…but, there was no way to find it.
A bit confused……don’t know why I felt that way, but….
A bit sad…..because I want all that info for them…but I have no way of getting it. And also sad, because these vital people who gave them life…..can never again contribute to my children’s lives….& my heart just hurts for their birth family.
And finally…..I felt a bit privileged that God chose us to handle this parenting responsibility.
The physical, occupational & speech therapists all thoroughly examined him while watching him play. Next week, I go back to get the results of that, as well as the hundreds of questions I was asked about him…..
Which brings me to this weird emotion I can’t quite put my finger on…
I couldn’t answer whole pages of information…..
Questions like,
“How was your pregnancy?” Ummmm….I wasn’t pregnant…
“Mother’s health history” Have a little of that.
“Father’s health history” Don’t know….
“Is your child’s paternal grandfather/grandmother still living?” Don’t know….
“Any health issues on mother’s/father’s side?” Yet again, don’t know…
And on & on it went…& I knew almost nothing of it…
Let me see if I can describe these feelings….
A bit lost….like I should know the answers….he’s my SON, after all.
A bit empty…..something seemed missing…but, there was no way to find it.
A bit confused……don’t know why I felt that way, but….
A bit sad…..because I want all that info for them…but I have no way of getting it. And also sad, because these vital people who gave them life…..can never again contribute to my children’s lives….& my heart just hurts for their birth family.
And finally…..I felt a bit privileged that God chose us to handle this parenting responsibility.
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Whew!!!!
I sat there with the papers in my hand…..& I suddenly began to realize……maybe this “feeling” I can’t put my finger on is just a little bit of what adopted children feel down the road, when they start to understand the way they came to be a part of our family.
I don’t know…..
When we were going through our adoption training, the social worker we went through to get our homestudy done said something to me I hope I never forget…
“For an adopted child, remember the feelings associated with the fact that they are adopted are happy.
But, the feelings associated with the fact that they were ‘relinquished’ (today’s proper term for placing a baby for adoption) are sad.”
Two diametrically opposed emotions…..forever entwined, though one act: adoption.
For those of you who have adopted or are adopted, what do you think? Have you had those types of emotions? How have you handled them? Have you labeled them? How can we address these emotions with them?
Hoping this discussion will help us be better parents to all our children down the road….
(Yes, even to Ana, who will be a sibling to adopted children her whole life….& she may have emotions associated w/ it that we will need to be prepared for).
14 comments:
Kim -
Yes, I've had these exact experiences with my adopted kiddos.
I have always, in that moment, given my children's future BACK to God each time.
I figured He led them to us...He'll take care of the gaps in information we have...
And..especially with Tye...we have HUGE gaps.
Andrea
Having just returned from a doctor's appointment for one of my new kiddos, I know how difficult it is not to have any of those answers. I found myself wondering if it was even worth filling out the paperwork since I wrote "unknown" on virtually everything. I think you're right that this gives us a small glimpse into how our kids feel/will feel.
Honestly, the best approach with our older children has been to say that while we're not sure why they needed to go through the challenges and experience the losses that they have, we DO know that those things being what they were, they are now most definitely right where God wants them to be. We can't understand why a child would have to go through so much hurt, but I am absolutely certain that our kids were meant to come into our family. That doesn't negate their past experience and doesn't cut birth family out of the picture, but just helps reinforce that God hasn't forgotten them, and that He has provided them the second family they need.
I have found this simple approach seems to provide more comfort to my kids than trying to analyze the ins and outs of abandonment and birth parents' decisions.
Best wishes as you navigate these waters!
Very eloquently put, Kim. It gives me a glimpse into the mixed emotions that adoption brings about not only for parents but for the child as well. I am praying!
Thank-you, Andrea & Tana!
Andrea....so thankful that God fills in those gaps.
Tana...that was the exact feeling I had. "Why am I filling all this out?" So much unknown.....
Focusing on the things we DO know....God placed them in our family.
That is where the peace lies.
I think it was hard for me because it is the first time the lack of information really bothered me-like if we knew some of it, it *might* be helpful to him.
Giving their futures back to God....something I need to remember..
You guys are both so wise!!!
Thank God for both IRL & SL "pretend" friends!!!
Kelly....thanks for praying for us!
Kim,
This is the first time I've ever heard anything that touched my heart towards an adopted child wanting to find their birth parents in a positive manner. I understood on one level, but part of me has always felt, "but the ones who adopted you are your real parents why find the others?". AND it's prevented me from truly feeling great about domestic adoptions (if we ever adopted, I don't want my child to find their birth parents. I don't share well.). BUT ... this post really gives me a different perspective.
Thanks for sharing it. I'm glad I came to read it even though I haven't adopted and I'm not adopted. I was simply curious because I'd like for us to adopt next.
blessings,
Grateful for Grace (SL forums)
When our son came to live with us, he was 13. He had all sorts of labels, and the truth was we just didn't know him very well. I signed him up for cross-country and the coach asked me "can he cross the street by himself?"
I had no clue. I felt really stupid not being able to tell the coach whether or not my 13 year-old son knew how to cross the street. "Gee coach, I know about as much about him as YOU DO!"
He continues to have contact with his birth family. The first few months, for HIS PROTECTION, he did not know our address or phone number because his birthmom or sister might have made his life miserable trying to get it out of him.
The day of his first CC meet, he went out after school to get onto the bus. There was no bus. He ended up in the office where the secretary called me to come and pick him up and she yelled at me that he ought to know his phone number.
I was really angry because A: he was supposed to be released from school early to get on the bus and NOBODY TOLD HIM THAT (or me) so he missed the meet. The coach just said "oh, he's supposed to know that, we're not going to go get him from class, he's supposed to just leave" (but nobody explained that to him!) and B: the secretary had no business yelling at me when she doesn't know me or the situation. She could have asked.
This was all before he was adopted and I couldn't homeschool him yet. I couldn't WAIT to take him out of school!
GfG.....thanks for sharing your thoughts...at one point I was like that, too, & I think it's something a lot of prospective adoptive parents have to work through. In all honesty, it was one of the reasons we wanted to go internationally to begin w/. I don't share well either!!
But, as we have moved forward in our journey, God has really changed my heart toward this....& given me so much love & compassion for our childrens' birth family. It may be because of the distance & the inability to have contact w/ them, though.
And it could also be because of the poverty that drove her to make such a challenging decision. (for those of you who don't know, our adopted kiddos are bio siblings). Just fills my heart with pity for her, as I have seen the poverty in Guatemala for myself.
Serija-thank you for sharing your story. Helps me to realise there are others out there with the same feelings as my DH & I are experiencing....
Can only imagine what your DS was thinking/feeling at age 13!!!!
As an adopted child who is now 38 years old I can relate very much to having to fill out papers and having so much of my life history one big ?. I often feel like I have a piece of me that is missing. My advice to those with adopted children would be to talk about all of those feelings with your children. The good, the bad, and the ugly because even if you don't address them they are there hidden in a sense and will surface eventually. So dialogue with your children as they are growing up about how wonderful adoption is, but also the painful parts too. That way they will always feel as though they can come to you and talk about it and it's not a taboo subject. My parents were great, but we didn't talk about the negative aspects of adoption it was always made out to be a rosy sort of picture. As I got older I realized the picture was rosy, but also has many shades of gray and some days some downright black. I think my feelings, because they were not explored, growing up came out in rebellion which resulted in more pain and heartache. I am so thankful that God placed me in a Christian family and I love my parents, but there are days when I would like to know more about why I am the way I am. Conversation and dialogue to me would be a vital key ingredient in having children who grow up emotionally healthy.
LMF (aka homekeeper Sonlight)
"As I got older I realized the picture was rosy, but also has many shades of gray and some days some downright black."
And we know this to be the case....as there are issues in their birthfamily that we are aware of....we have just chosen not to share at this point...
"I think my feelings, because they were not explored, growing up came out in rebellion which resulted in more pain and heartache."
Lesson learned...thanks for sharing.
"Conversation and dialogue to me would be a vital key ingredient in having children who grow up emotionally healthy."
Thank you for making this so clear!!!
Hi! I just read your post on the SL boards (I'm "learningtogether" over there BTW.)
We have 2 bio kids and then our newest is our 3.5 yo son from China. One of the most humbling experiences for me was the week after we arrived home with him. Full of joy, love and pride at "our new son". Sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office and filling out all that preliminary paperwork brought me back down to earth very quickly. Yes, mentally we embraced that he had a whole other history. We pursued as much of it as we could, but suddenly having to write "unknown", was such a reality check for me. I will never forget it and I am so grateful that God used that moment to help me embrace and process just a tidbit of what my son will be facing in the future.
I really resonate with what you have said and I will continue to thank Him for opening both of our eyes and heart. He is simply so much better than any self-help book or adoption advocate we could ever learn from, isn't he? :) Shelley
"learningtogether"-you are right....it is a reality check...
& you are also right that God is better than any "worldly wisdom." He knows our children the best, after all!!!
Yes, I have had those moments also. My son has (I mean HAD thank you Lord) a heart problem and this past October he had open heart surgery. I have filled out TONS of those types of paperwork and there is always that moment when I have to explain to the Dr. office why half the paperwork is blank. I am never embarrassed but there is just that moment.
My son and I have talked several times about his adoption, his birthmom every part. He KNOWS this is where he is meant to be and wants to be but the fact that someone else gave him away is something he struggles with. He wonders if she had other children and kept them. The way your social worker said it is a perfect way of looking at it.
We are blessed because I have an older brother who was adopted so adoption is very open and common in my family and my children have someone who does get exactly how they feel.
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