Grief is Weird......

When it’s fresh……it comes in waves of anguish, crashing again & again upon your soul.

I have been there. I know I will be there again. It's part of life.

Saying goodby’s (for this life) can be so hard.

Well, at least when it’s someone who should NOT have died yet, know what I mean?

(When my Grandpa passed away 3 years ago, it was hard…..but we knew he would open his eyes in heaven, & glimpse his Savior for the first time. He was old & tired & it was time. Sad, but the right time).

When you loose a child, or a baby (or in our case, an unborn child we had longed & prayed for-for a couple of years), the grief of what “should have been” crushes you at first…..laying you flat on the floor in anguish.

But, as time passes & the Lord begins to put back the pieces of your broken heart, the grief no longer crashes on you. But sometimes it still comes tapping on your door, usually when you least expect it, desiring another conversation.

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Yesterday, Ana & I took a tour of Aunt Shannon’s new hospital. We call it Aunt Shannon’s hospital, because she’s a nurse in the Birth Center there. They opened the new hospital on 08-08-08, & they hosted an open house yesterday for anyone who wanted to see the new facility.

Anticipation built, as Ana & I followed the crowd through surgery,

heart center, ICU……& two floors of patient rooms.

FINALLY, third floor!!!

The Birth Center!

We took a look at the new labor & delivery, recovery rooms,

the nursery, & wandered the rabbit warren of halls.

Then, out of nowhere…..the grief knocked on the door of my heart again.

We entered the new Neo-Natal ICU.

There, at the entrance…..was a table with info on pre-mature births.

& a frame with a tiny, inch & a half footprint in it.

The lady began to tell me all about pre-mature births…..& how I could donate to some cause to help prevent them…..& I could barely talk to her.

My throat began to fill up.

My eyes could not leave the frame….& the memory of my little box at home, with beautiful, half inch foot prints, impressed in plaster…..forever still, never to stand, walk or run.

Now, the tears threaten again….

We moved on-me feeling a bit guilty…..but I couldn’t take much more of that conversation.

Next, we saw the NICU Isolation Rooms.

There, my God stepped in-right into my heart…to remind me

(not more than 30 seconds later) that He is sovereign.

Laying in the table, swaddled in blankets, was a doll,

representing a 3 pound baby. Tubes running in every part of it’s body.

Natty was a 3 pound baby.

Who needed no resuscitation, tube feedings, or oxygen.

& now, is home in the US, a healthy, thriving, 16 pound, one year old.

Does sorrow sometimes revisit me over what “might have been?”

Sure.

But, God is faithful to Himself.

He reminded me yesterday that we can’t ever look back.

If we hadn’t lost Jesse……

We wouldn’t have the two children that now complete our family.

All along……He knew.

Ruthie was the best little sister for Ana.

And Natty was the surprise baby we needed.

Now, I can choose to question why……why us, why sorrow, why death?
Or I can choose to focus on God’s Perfect plan for our lives.

Can I imagine life differently?
No.

Am I changed since being touched by this?
Yes.

And I know one thing for sure.

Only my Savior can take such terrible circumstances…….
& use them for good.

"Those who go down to the sea in ships,
Who do business on great waters,

They see the works of the LORD,
And His wonders in the deep.

For He commands and raises the stormy wind,
Which lifts up the waves of the sea.

They mount up to the heavens,
They go down again to the depths;
Their soul melts because of trouble.

They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man.
And are at their wits’ end.

Then they cry out to the LORD in their trouble,
And He brings them out of their distresses.

He calms the storm,
So that its waves are still.

Then they are glad because they are quiet;
So He guides them to their desired haven."

Psalm 107: 23-30

He calmed my “stormy, staggering, melting soul,”
right there in that hospital hallway.
Has He done the same for you?