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Ok……something I have been struggling with for a while…
When you go to a baby shower, the topic always comes up.
“Well, when I went into labor with my first……..”
With MY third baby, it went so fast!”
Or, “I ended up with a emergency C-Section on my 2nd.”
“Did you have an epidural?”
BUT, why is it, that I cannot share that we adopted two of our kiddos.
It’s like, we are supposed to ignore that fact almost.
I know it’s their story.
I know I shouldn’t talk about it in front of them (especially as they get older).
But, in the adoption circles I run in,
When you go to a baby shower, the topic always comes up.
“Well, when I went into labor with my first……..”
With MY third baby, it went so fast!”
Or, “I ended up with a emergency C-Section on my 2nd.”
“Did you have an epidural?”
BUT, why is it, that I cannot share that we adopted two of our kiddos.
It’s like, we are supposed to ignore that fact almost.
I know it’s their story.
I know I shouldn’t talk about it in front of them (especially as they get older).
But, in the adoption circles I run in,
it’s like they are almost forgetting that it’s OUR STORY too.
I can share all about the GORY details of labor & delivery.
But I can’t share that “Yes, we are THRILLED that God blessed our family through adoption!”
I want to shout it from the rooftops!
God chose us to be blessed through this method of building our family.
Here’s an example:
I ran into a friend in the grocery store I hadn’t seen since Ana was born.
I can share all about the GORY details of labor & delivery.
But I can’t share that “Yes, we are THRILLED that God blessed our family through adoption!”
I want to shout it from the rooftops!
God chose us to be blessed through this method of building our family.
Here’s an example:
I ran into a friend in the grocery store I hadn’t seen since Ana was born.
We had Ruth by then, but we were still in process with Natty’s adoption.
I wanted to tell her how God had blessed us
I wanted to tell her how God had blessed us
& guided & directed us to add to our family through adoption.
But, I didn’t. I just told her that we had two girls.
But, I didn’t. I just told her that we had two girls.
(The girls were home with their daddy.)
Why? Because this cloud of doubt was hanging over my head.
All the experts had told us that it’s their story. Not ours to tell.
Why? Because this cloud of doubt was hanging over my head.
All the experts had told us that it’s their story. Not ours to tell.
But, it IS my story.
It IS Dave’s story.
& it is Ana’s story as well.
Why?
Because adding to your family is part of what makes your family’s story.
I don’t know.
If you have adopted, what do you think?
I don’t know.
If you have adopted, what do you think?
Our first day as an official family of five-February 26, 2008
Guatemala City.
9 comments:
Hi Kim!
We were never counseled that the fact that they are adopted is their story...or to not share it openly.
I couldn't imagine not talking about how God brought all 5 of our kids to us...each child's journey being his own.
I feel like not talking about Ruth or Natty's adoption heritage in public (of course keeping the intimate details private) does a diservice to your community.
It's often through seeing someone else walk the perilous adoption path that other's feel strengthened to head down the same path....
And seeing adopted kids thrive and just "be" normal is so reassuring to others...
So keeping their story to themselves, even when's obvious via skin color, etc., that they're adopted seems like we aren't as proud of them as we are of ur bio-kids....
Now, I think when the kid gets old enough to decide for himself if he wants it to enter the conversation...that's when you take a step back and don't volunteer the info...
But we've found that Chase now opely volunteers that "he's from Russia" and is proud of it...not embarrassed.
I started allowing him to add this tidbit of family info to new introductions , only if he wanted to, about when he was 8...
This is, of course, just my 2 cents but we've had no negative affects being completely out there with all of our adoption journeys and being transparent, in front of our kids, with others in how we all came togehter....
Andrea
Interesting question, Kim. I guess I try to find a balance. I don't avoid saying that one of our kids was adopted if it comes up in conversation, but I don't give specifics. I guess I'd probably say which child, his age at adoption, and where he was born.
Some of this will depend on your kids' reaction to their own adoption. My adopted child is very open in talking about it. If he wasn't, then I would be more guarded.
That said, there are plenty of people who know us but don't know he was adopted. It isn't obvious from our appearance, so there isn't anyway they would know unless we bring it up or it comes up naturally.
I have never not thought of sharing. I don't share why they were given up (that's theirs) but everything else I freely give in conversations when appropriate. These are my children and they are my blessings. And their adoption processes is mine and Greg's story to becoming parents. I must couple this with saying that I have not been many places where births are the topic of discussion.
thanks everyone, for your responses. I am trying to find this balance.
We talk about adoption in the house a lot. I just felt like our social worker was saying that acknowledging it to the general public was encroaching on their personal story.
HOWEVER, when we are together as a family, I know people wonder & assume (correctly) that two of our children are adopted.
The process was such a HUGE & REWARDING aspect of our lives, I want to share, KWIM? We saw God work over & over again, & to say it is only their story to share (which was how I took it) seemed unfair to the rest of us.
Another aspect of it is that we now have a LOVE for the people & country of Guatemala that we wouldn't have without our journey.
Andrea-I thought it was precious that Chase immediately (within 5 minutes of meeting us) told us he was adopted from Russia. What a glimpse of his developing "person!" He was so proud of that fact.
Hi Kim,
Your family is just beautiful!
We adopted our youngest daughter almost four years ago.
In reference to your question, we don't make it a point of telling people that she's adopted, but if the subject comes up, then we talk about it. I guess I would probably feel some of the things you discussed in your post had I not ever experienced giving birth to my oldest daughter.
In any case, it is ONLY by God's grace that our youngest daughter became a part of our family. She was a perfect fit into our world right from the start and we couldn't imagine life without her.
This was a good post for us adoptive parents to ponder on though.
Thanks Kim for sharing that. We are open that our 2 beautiful girls are adopted but we don't share the nitty gritty details of why and about their birthparents etc. That is our girls private story for them to share if they want to later on.
We are definitely open with how God has blessed us with our 2 girls and about our struggles with not being able to have bio children.
Great to also read others thoughts too on it who have adopted...reassures me we're doing ok, as we are definitely in the minority where we live, so its good to hear others thoughts who are going along the same road.
Anna
We're still in process, but for now, we happily tell our story.
In class we were told that it is "their story," but I asked about that. It is our story too, or, at least, part of it. We plan to tell our part of the story, and if they want to pitch in with their side, that's great!
Of course, we don't have them yet, so we have yet to see how this all plays out.
~Luke
Hi, Kim! It was so great to meet you on Saturday! I found your blog again and now I can "stalk" it! Feel free to check out ours, too. preparingforrain.blogspot.com
Anyway, I read a GREAT adoption book called China Ghosts. It's a dad's story of adopting two girls from China, and he talks quite a bit about how his girls' story is HIS story as well. Now, I don't tell people about the details of our boys' beginnings, but from the point that we got our referrals, I openly share my part of the story. The details of why they were placed for adoption, bio family details, etc. are private, even from family. But as for them being adopted, that's part of my story, too! That's the story of how I became a mom and that's huge to me!
Luke-did we go to the same training class??? Ha!! Ha!!! ;-)
I wonder if that is where I got the impression that it's "their" story. I knew I had picked up the idea somewhere.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Erin-you are right! That is exactly what I thought. That it IS our story. It is part of how we became a family!
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